Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
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I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat