@PleaseBeGneiss
@vangobot
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
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@vangobot
@T_Bonezzz
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
@randypaint
Friend: whats wrong
Me: [stuffing bananas & snow pants back into my backpack] I just think if u say we’re gonna see the Arctic Monkeys u should be more specific
@FrazzleMyGimp
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
@fsuflores
I feel so bad for all these women that give me their phone numbers and when I call the line has been disconnected
This economy is ruthless.
@bornmiserable
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
@MichaelTrying
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
@TheMichaelRock
Your kid is allergic to gluten? Big deal. Mine are allergic to putting things back where they belong.
@WildeThingy
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
@Book_Krazy
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?