*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
sam: i’m telling you
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Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Friend: whats wrong
Me: [stuffing bananas & snow pants back into my backpack] I just think if u say we’re gonna see the Arctic Monkeys u should be more specific
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I feel so bad for all these women that give me their phone numbers and when I call the line has been disconnected
This economy is ruthless.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Your kid is allergic to gluten? Big deal. Mine are allergic to putting things back where they belong.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?