@PleaseBeGneiss

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

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@vangobot

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

@T_Bonezzz

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

@randypaint

Friend: whats wrong

Me: [stuffing bananas & snow pants back into my backpack] I just think if u say we’re gonna see the Arctic Monkeys u should be more specific

@FrazzleMyGimp

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

@fsuflores

I feel so bad for all these women that give me their phone numbers and when I call the line has been disconnected

This economy is ruthless.

@bornmiserable

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

@MichaelTrying

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

@TheMichaelRock

Your kid is allergic to gluten? Big deal. Mine are allergic to putting things back where they belong.

@WildeThingy

A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”

@Book_Krazy

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?