waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
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LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
The real reason evolution started..😂
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
i actually laughed 😩
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.