@DrakeGatsby

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

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@pilau

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot

@TeaPainUSA

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

@GrabTheWEness

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

@OhighIsis

Mom called to ask if I’d take her shopping.

Me: What time?

Mom: Anytime between 1-4.

Apparently my Mom works for the cable company now.

@karlhess

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

@Playing_Dad

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

@david8hughes

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

@supertweetjen

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

@OfficielJules

On a date,
Him: Do you like cats?
Me: *flipping menu* Wait! What page are you on?