I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
You Might Also Like
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Mom called to ask if I’d take her shopping.
Me: What time?
Mom: Anytime between 1-4.
Apparently my Mom works for the cable company now.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
– My stages of getting ready for work
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
On a date,
Him: Do you like cats?
Me: *flipping menu* Wait! What page are you on?