@DrakeGatsby

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

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@squirrel74wkgn

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

@ComedicBust

I joined snapchat yesterday; apparently my phone doesn’t die fast enough for my liking.

@junejuly12

Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.

Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.

@generaldietz

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

@Diabeetus_Cat

*Plops a scoop of mashed potatoes into your child’s candy bag without breaking eye contact with you.*

@Kyle_Lippert

If asked ‘Whats up?’ respond ‘An animated film about the journey of a boy & an old man’ then wink & fly away carried by hundreds of balloons

@DaddyJew

Me: *eating a snack*

Dog trainer: those are for the dog

Me: then why does it look like bacon?

Dog trainer: to fool the dog

Me: *still eating them* I see

@EddieHarris216

It feels weird when someone congratulates me for quitting smoking, because it’s something nobody should do to their body.

Congrats on not drinking bleach!
Me: Thanks. It’s tough, but the Clorox patch helped.

@Dr_awfulpants

I think my eyes are playing tricks on me. *my eyes hide a whoopie cushion behind my skull*

@CAshmanActor

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter