[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
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I joined snapchat yesterday; apparently my phone doesn’t die fast enough for my liking.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
*Plops a scoop of mashed potatoes into your child’s candy bag without breaking eye contact with you.*
If asked ‘Whats up?’ respond ‘An animated film about the journey of a boy & an old man’ then wink & fly away carried by hundreds of balloons
Me: *eating a snack*
Dog trainer: those are for the dog
Me: then why does it look like bacon?
Dog trainer: to fool the dog
Me: *still eating them* I see
It feels weird when someone congratulates me for quitting smoking, because it’s something nobody should do to their body.
Congrats on not drinking bleach!
Me: Thanks. It’s tough, but the Clorox patch helped.
I think my eyes are playing tricks on me. *my eyes hide a whoopie cushion behind my skull*
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter