Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
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*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.