@bobvulfov

WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly

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@DaddyWithTwins

Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.

@DanMentos

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

@rebrafsim

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

@aveuaskew

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

@Jandalize

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

@TheSchnizzy

Yesterday I extinguished a colleague’s cigarette at the office with a water pistol.

Adds firefighter to resume

@shkeeber

Me: *puts ferret in box with cat*

Mom: What are you doing?

Me: Making carrets!

Mom: Carrots?

Me: Yup! *plays Barry White*

Cat: *yowls*

@BeCoco77

He told me he was my daddy during sex. Then he acted all weirded out when I started crying and asked him to pay off my student loans.

@geo_teira

[at a restaurant]
Me: uhm. This plate is broken and the food is all spread out.
Waiter: yes ma’am, that’s the continental drift breakfast.

@3sunzzz

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!