Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
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me: who’s ur favorite actor
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Yesterday I extinguished a colleague’s cigarette at the office with a water pistol.
Adds firefighter to resume
Me: *puts ferret in box with cat*
Mom: What are you doing?
Me: Making carrets!
Me: Yup! *plays Barry White*
He told me he was my daddy during sex. Then he acted all weirded out when I started crying and asked him to pay off my student loans.
[at a restaurant]
Me: uhm. This plate is broken and the food is all spread out.
Waiter: yes ma’am, that’s the continental drift breakfast.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!