waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
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I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
They got a point!
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…