Waiter: how would you like your steak?
Me: rare
Waiter: *brings steak with a 1st edition Charizard on it*
Me: *tearing up* perfect

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Son, there’s only one thing in life to fear.
[Car full of bears with machine guns drives by]
Son, there are only two things in life to fear.


My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.


Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo


I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!


Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL


CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons


37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.