Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

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What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.


Sorry for writing “Everyone makes mistakes” in your wedding guestbook.


If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.


The fact that there is even such a thing as ugly hookers tells you pretty much all you need to know about men…


[At the Grand Canyon]


I L o v e T h i s P l a c e



GC: Let’s just be friends


I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.


If I’m ever being chased by a giraffe I’m gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what’s best for me


Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.


[Ghost Hunters]
This ghost is a male, probably in his 40’s
-how’d u figure that out?
He went bat shit crazy when we turned the thermostat up