Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis