What I say:
What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You Might Also Like
Sorry for writing “Everyone makes mistakes” in your wedding guestbook.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
The fact that there is even such a thing as ugly hookers tells you pretty much all you need to know about men…
[At the Grand Canyon]
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
GC: Let’s just be friends
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
If I’m ever being chased by a giraffe I’m gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what’s best for me
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
This ghost is a male, probably in his 40’s
-how’d u figure that out?
He went bat shit crazy when we turned the thermostat up