Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Do one person every day that scares you.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
marvel comics have peaked
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson