Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

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My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.


Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.


I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”


Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too


Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.


A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.


I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol.

The other night they dropped me 3x while carrying me to the car!


KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]: