@Social_Mime

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

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@krisv_723

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

@lazerdoov

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

@WheelTod

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

@ArfMeasures

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

@XplodingUnicorn

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

@dreamthievin

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

@WowYoureFunny

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol.

The other night they dropped me 3x while carrying me to the car!

@dubiousrhetoric

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]: