A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
You Might Also Like
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Look at this
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR