@TheHyyyype

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

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@Mr_Kapowski

Ladies, don’t be sad if your thighs begin to start touching

You’re becoming a mermaid!

@kimtopher22

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

@Shock_Monster

Hostess: Table for one?

Me: More like TABLE FOR FUN, AMIRITE?

Hostess: …

Me: …

Hostess: …

Me: Yes, one please.

@ThugRaccoons

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

@flashember

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

@NrouteHQ

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

@Reverend_Scott

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

@MehrangizC

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

@Leemanish

FOR CHRISSAKES, GARY – WE JUST ROBBED A DAMN BANK! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH YOUR NIECE HOW TO DRIVE!