waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
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Print is alive and well!!!
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.