Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
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Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon