I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
You Might Also Like
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I was running for a bus but I just missed it and had to pretend i didn’t want it in the first place so kept running now I’m in Belgium
“911, what’s your emerg-”
“The women at work have synced their uteri and it’s Hell”
“Sir uteri is not plural for ute-”
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?