@MonkeyinaDress

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?

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@DanTaylorAuthor

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

@Tmoney68

[Army Shooting Range]

Officer: Are you locked & loaded?

Soldiers: YES SIR!

Officer: You may fire at will!

Soldier Named Will: WTF?

@KalvinMacleod

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

@EliTerry

“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain

@Marlebean

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.

@SJSchauer

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

@ManJuggs

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

@ehdannyboy

I was running for a bus but I just missed it and had to pretend i didn’t want it in the first place so kept running now I’m in Belgium

@Sickayduh

“911, what’s your emerg-”

“The women at work have synced their uteri and it’s Hell”

“Sir uteri is not plural for ute-”

“TAMPI EVERYWHERE”

@LoveNLunchmeat

[watching Boogie Nights]

age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.

age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?