Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
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Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Not my job 😂
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.