Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
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My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date