Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

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*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*


*buys my kids a PlayStation 4

*kids use PlayStation 4 to watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games

*starts drinking heavily


Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.


gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it


Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”


In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”


The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating


You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.


[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe