@OctopusCavemann

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

You Might Also Like

@PaperWash

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

@drinksmcgee

*buys my kids a PlayStation 4

*kids use PlayStation 4 to watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games

*starts drinking heavily

@scrappy_momma

Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.

@pilau

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s

@heykarlin

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

@AnnaKendrick47

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

@charstarlene

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

@AaronNevins

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe