Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
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I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.