Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
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The internet is full of many things
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?