I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
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My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.