Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Boy never ceases to amaze me