waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
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[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I bet
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Encore…
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.