@FredTaming

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

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@castawaykristen

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.

@brownbear952

Try and tell me about your cleanse and I will whip out my pocket bacon and eat it right in front of you.

@kelkulus

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

@tsm560

If history is any indication a lot more stuff is bound to happen.

@RodLacroix

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

@juneohara65

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

@IvoryGazelle

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

@MelvinofYork

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

@just1fool

The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.

@BradBroaddus

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..