@FredTaming

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

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@TheHyyyype

me: alright, i admit it, i’ve never had sex! turn off the lie detector!

doctor: *removing blood pressure cuff* none of that is what’s happening here

@Fickle_Filly

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

@LizerReal

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

@TylerLinkin

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

@PondHockeyPro

Never trust a woman with a shovel, she’s not planting flowers fella.

@JustMeTurtle

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

@Parkerlawyer

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

@2friedroomies

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

@RunOldMan

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters