@Pork_Chop_Hair

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

@JoParkerBear

MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

@Parker_Simpson

Studies show that people who start a sentence with “studies show…” have no clue what they’re talking about

@kingstonstreet

The pen is mightier than the sword. Unless you have like three followers then go with the sword

@samalmightysam

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

@birbigs

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

@simoncholland

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

@HandfulOfLewds

Since my cat keeps waking me up at three in the morning, I’ve decided to wake him up every day at three in the afternoon.