Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

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MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!


Studies show that people who start a sentence with “studies show…” have no clue what they’re talking about


The pen is mightier than the sword. Unless you have like three followers then go with the sword


My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.


New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”


Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?


Since my cat keeps waking me up at three in the morning, I’ve decided to wake him up every day at three in the afternoon.