Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[going out]

other moms: have fun, be safe!

my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”

why are you making this about you?

app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later

I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff

“Yeah”

So how do you keep score?

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.