Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
You Might Also Like
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
i hope my email finds you on fire
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.