This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
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me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
new shirt idea
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem