*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
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Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”