[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
You Might Also Like
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.