Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
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Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Me when my alarm goes off
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.