Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
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Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again