I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
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He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.