Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
You Might Also Like
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices