WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
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A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Truth
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
North and South
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off