@BeardedRambles

Waiter: Ready to order?
Me: Yes, what goes well with an overbearing sis-in-law with delusions of grandeur?
W: …
M: …
W: …
M: Whiskey.

Waiter: Ready to order?
Me: Yes, what goes well with an overbearing sis-in-law with delusions of grandeur?
W: …
M: …
W: …
M: Whiskey.

- @BeardedRambles

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My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

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Me: these edibles are shit

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@sfreeze6

So I suppose Obi-Gyn Kenobi would have used the forceps?

@TheMichaelRock

Cashier: Aww, you grocery shop so your wife doesn’t have to?

[flashback to me losing paper, rock, scissors]

Me: Yeah, I’m sweet like that.

@KamaroPayne

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

@FU_TangClan

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

@trojansauce

*bites into tuba sandwich and breaks teeth* damn autocorrect

@Cali_Kid_Mike

Twitter Clique: (n) a small exclusive group of friends who promise to tell each other they are funny.