WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Breaking news:
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.