WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
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my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.