WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
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Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.