Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
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alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Best mom ever 😂
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
“TGIM!” – My liver
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.