My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
You Might Also Like
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.