WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
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This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again