@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

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@Go2Slp

4: can we name the baby Yoko?

Me: well Yoko is a Japanese name

4: if the baby is Japanese can we name it Yoko?

Me: …

4: …

Me: yes

@Book_Krazy

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

@DrakeGatsby

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

@_ElvishPresley_

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

@pilau

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

@TheBoydP

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

@Cheeseboy22

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

@Leemanish

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

@drinksmcgee

I think COVID-19 is just a ploy by Netflix to get people to stay in and actually watch Adam Sandler movies.