@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

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@Skoog

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

@SortaBad

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

@TheHyyyype

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

@UberFacts

A Chicago High School played Justin Bieber’s “Baby” between classes and students had to pay to stop it – They earned $1,000 in 3 days.

@NYC_Blonde

Do men prefer straight or curly hair? Need to know so I can tell my roommate the opposite and then try to steal her boyfriend.

@vinnycrack

Having a crush on someone is so exciting. You know you’ll end up ruining things like you always do, but how? The possibilities are endless.

@SimuLiu

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

@cuntyfruitbats

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Drunk me used to set a “Mystery Alarm” on my phone to pop up and confuse daytime sober me