Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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What a website
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
True statement👍😏😁
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die