@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

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@jeffswarens

If you stare at a 6 year old when they’re eating a banana split, they hold it real close and eat faster.

@RandiLawson

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

@Mindless4Miles

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

@AdderallMomma

“I’ll be black” the potato dramatically announced moments before going into Sarah Connor’s freezer

-The Termintator

@Michael1979

GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!

@Reverend_Scott

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

@KeetPotato

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

@JustMeTurtle

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.