Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
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I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”