@T_Bonezzz_

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

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@LimeyTheGreat

Went out to dinner last night & the hostess asked me “Where would you like to sit?” I replied “preferably on a seat.” #accomplished

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

@notacroc

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

@LurkAtHomeMom

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

@donni

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

@McClaneJohn2

Why do people put ice cream in a bowl when it already comes in one?

@twilightsthorn

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

@GuyThe_Guy

Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.

No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.