Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

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Went out to dinner last night & the hostess asked me “Where would you like to sit?” I replied “preferably on a seat.” #accomplished


Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*


Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob



Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around


It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest


Why do people put ice cream in a bowl when it already comes in one?


shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me


Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.

No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.