Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
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How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.