WAITER: what can i get you
ME: what do you recommend
WAITER: i recommend that you tell me what you want to eat

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“911, what’s your emergency?”

Me: A cute guy at the laundromat walked past me while I was folding my period underwear.


Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”


Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]


Found out a guy I dated was in jail for attempted murder.

He never even tried to take me camping,
I’m not even good enough to kill.


Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.


What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?


Positive thinking comes in all shapes and sizes at your nearest liquor store…


A good rule of thumb is that if you see a headline saying something “breaks the laws of physics” the headline is wrong


Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.


My 84 mother to my 19: Make-up sure does wonders but you don’t want your future husband waking up wondering who you are in the morning.