“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
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Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future