@hippieswordfish

WAITER: what can i get you
ME: what do you recommend
WAITER: i recommend that you tell me what you want to eat

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@Sassafrantz

“911, what’s your emergency?”

Me: A cute guy at the laundromat walked past me while I was folding my period underwear.

@Fickle_Filly

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

@TheCatWhisprer

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

@ReneeHooray

Found out a guy I dated was in jail for attempted murder.

He never even tried to take me camping,
I’m not even good enough to kill.

@SondraDeeMe

Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.

@KatWar1

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

@lizetagge

Positive thinking comes in all shapes and sizes at your nearest liquor store…

@AstroKatie

A good rule of thumb is that if you see a headline saying something “breaks the laws of physics” the headline is wrong

@Julian_Deane

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

@Pee_And_Giggles

My 84 mother to my 19: Make-up sure does wonders but you don’t want your future husband waking up wondering who you are in the morning.