My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
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[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.