waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time