waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
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St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Meowchelangelo
Happy Taco Tuesday
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak