HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
waiter: what’ll it be?
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
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I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
*Holds centipede up to your cheek as you’re sleeping and whispers*
Hey baby, the restraining order said a hundred feet…
*turns on notifications*
Notifications: I have a boyfriend
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Walk up to the guy with a popped collar and spiked hair & say “What’s up, Chad?” & he’ll be all “Whoa… How’d you know my name, bro?”
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what