waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
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Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Was it something I said?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer