waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
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I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
The government even made aliens boring
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Watermelon Boss!
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.