I’m gonna start carrying breath mints around in an engagement ring box just to briefly make women really uncomfortable during conversation.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
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Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
AC changed “laughing at your gif” to “laughing at your God” and now I’ve accidentally started a religious war in this group text…
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I don’t trust anyone with a beard, especially a woman
There is exactly a 7 second window between an omelette and scrambled eggs.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.