@thedadvocate01

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

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@_eric_alexander

I’m gonna start carrying breath mints around in an engagement ring box just to briefly make women really uncomfortable during conversation.

@NewDadNotes

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

@4handfuls

AC changed “laughing at your gif” to “laughing at your God” and now I’ve accidentally started a religious war in this group text…

@goldengateblond

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

@Boleyngirly

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

@occupied_stall

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

@McClaneJohn2

There is exactly a 7 second window between an omelette and scrambled eggs.

@GuyBreakup

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.