Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
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Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Pretty much! 😂👀
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No