If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
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Blew my mind.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope