Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

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[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal


The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare


[first day as an undercover police officer]

me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime


You’re soft. You don’t know what Sesame St was like before Elmo.

[Flicks cigarette.]


Why does everyone want me to come out of my comfort zone? I worked really hard to get there.


The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.


Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn


me: have kids they said. it’ll be fun they said

maternity nurse: hey put those babies back


Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”